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Who's Really Driving The Boat?

Figuring out who is actually in charge is a big key

by Donnalynn Riley

Hi, it's hard to imagine that you are actually in charge of your reality. Sometimes it seems like it can't possibly be true. I would never choose this. Therefore I am not in charge of my reality. All sorts of things happen to me that are outside of my control.

Viruses happen in the world. People get sick, work gets canceled -- All sorts of things happen that feel like they are absolutely outside of your control. But the reality is that they are not outside of your control in that your reaction to them creates a cascade in your life. It creates a chain reaction and which chain reaction you create in your life depends on the way that you react. It's the same way that if you put one chemical into a vat of chemicals, it will behave differently than if you put a different chemical in, right? So in fact, you've all seen that in your day to day life that if you shake up a soda before you open it, it will explode on you, and those are the possibilities for you.

If you're all shaken up inside and life happens, then you're going to get a different result than if you have some ability to control yourself and to understand your experience--to know that you contribute to it. It's one thing to kind of know these things and say, “Okay, yes yeah, I contribute to my experience and I believe that” and to then sort of go through life in this way where you kind of half-participate because you get it in your brain but you don't yet get it in your heart. And you get it in your brain, but you don't yet get it in your life. And you get it in your brain because you know that that's got to be true. It feels like it's true, but you don't yet know how to change what's happening in your life, how to make an impact in your own life.

So I want to give you an example. Maybe this is the first time that I really, really got it. I know that it made a profound impact on me when I decided -- so, okay. I worked for a company. I worked for a corporation and I -- there were, there was somebody above me -- I had a boss, right? And there was a period of time when my boss came in every day and micromanaged everything that I did and everything that my entire staff did and came in and said, "It's not good enough. It's not good enough. It's not good enough." Over and over again in so many different ways. 

So after experiencing that for a while and trying to uplift my staff and trying to remind them that they're in charge of their reality, it didn't feel like they were in charge of their reality. It felt like somebody came in and really kind of pissed on them every day and they let me know that and they were right.

It felt like that to me too. And so one day I decided: I'm going to put this into action. I'm going to put all this belief, all this talk that I had been talking about. Same as I'm talking to you today. I'm going to put it into action. And I took one simple exercise and I did it every day. I drove to work a half an hour and I drove home a half an hour and every day during the half an hour I said to myself, these very specific words, and I pictured my boss's face the entire way to work and the entire way home and those words, which really are so, so simple, they really are just, “I'm sorry. Please forgive me. Thank you. I love you. I'm sorry. Please forgive me.”

“I love you.” That was a hard thing to say. I did not love in that moment, but I kept that picture of my boss in my head and I kept saying it until it was true. And it took a while. It took a while for me to impact my own reality.

But maybe a week or 10 days later, one of my staff came to me and said, “What did you do?” And I was like, “I don't know what you're talking about. What do you mean, ‘What did I do’?” And he said to me, our boss (my boss, not his boss, because I was his boss)—“Your boss doesn't treat you the same way that she did three weeks ago, two weeks ago. What is happening? She was pissing on everybody. Now she doesn't piss on you. She only pisses on rest of us.”

What happened? What did you do? And that's what I want to talk to you guys about is that if you really, really understand this and you really, really that you are in some way in charge of your experience, that you have an impact, that what happens in your internal life has an impact on your external life. Then you will know without a doubt that you can make a difference in your experience. And if you know that without a doubt, then you can find the tools that you need to go from where you are to where you want to be. It's not an easy thing to know.

And it also really, really means that you have to know a second thing. And the second thing really is that the only thing worth working on is you. It's the only thing worth working on. Now that doesn't feel right, it feels like I should work on the people who annoy me and I should work on the systems that let them come near me and I should work on correcting people cause they're irritating, right? That's what it feels like. But in reality, the only thing worth working on is you because you are the common denominator in your experience and in fact you're completely in charge of your experience.

Give it a try and let me know how it goes.

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